SWAGE - Spouses Who Aren't Getting Enough

Sexless? Sex Deprived? Sex Starved?

2011-01-05T14:29:00.000-05:00

Sexless? Sex Deprived? Sex Starved? Forced Celibacy? Sexual Abandonment?

You know what I know... say hello.

What the problem was

2010-05-30T16:40:00.003-04:00

I think I now know what went wrong with my marriage... my wife really didn't understand how much I liked sex, and how much she didn't like sex. This led her to two mistakes in her thinking... she thought that she would change, to be a person that liked sex more than she did at the time of our marriage, and the second mistake being she thought I would change and become a person who had less interest in sex than I did at the time of our marriage. Of course things couldn't have gone more wrong. I continued to appreciate sex as much as I ever did, and she came to embrace her inner dislike for sex.

Given this scenario, it is no wonder that I find myself in the plight that I do.

Thought for the Day

2010-03-28T07:58:00.001-04:00

Being sexless is hell, but it helps if you can get support for others... and it seems like only the sexually deprived understand each other.

Flood gates just opened up...

2009-11-25T08:27:00.001-05:00

I just now was catching up on one of my favorite t.v. shows, "Lie To Me", and I started crying (yes with real tears and everything).

The awfulness of my situation just got triggered by the awfulness of what was going on in the story at that moment, and my emotions just let loose with a flow of tears.

People not in this situation have no fucking idea of how devastating it can be to be one of us, the sexually abandoned and forlorned.

It's Sex Abuse... SEX ABUSE

2009-09-02T07:05:00.003-04:00

Sexual rejection and sexual neglect are sex abuse to a married spouse. This FACT needs to be:

A) recognized

and

B) addressed

just like any other form of sex abuse.

This is a MUST.

If you are being sexually deprived, you are being sexually abused.

No doubt the abuse makes you feel unattractive, unlovable, unloved not to mention sexually frustrated...

There must be a woman 30-50

2008-07-12T15:18:00.004-04:00

in the Atlanta area that is sexually neglected by a husband that she loves. Some woman who is vibrant and alive, but who's sexual persona is going to waste. Someone who yearns for good kissing, and good touching and good sex. If you are suffering horniness I can relate!

To paraphrase Queen:

Somebody (somebody) ooh somebody (somebody)
Can anybody find me somebody to sex ?

Resentment and Frustration and often Deceit

2008-01-20T11:20:00.000-05:00

A woman I know emailed me this question:

I'm trying to understand the dynamics of a relationship with no sex. I would think it would affect every interaction with the partner, because there is underlying resentment and frustration and often deceit involved. Wouldn't this sour the relationship altogether?

Any insight you can give me into this would be greatly appreciated.

MY REPLY

I think the proper order is different than the one you suggest in your question. I also think you might have left out a few elements. I shall suggest some missing elements and the logical order that they may present themselves.

Pangs

Animals experience pangs. Pangs are the internal signals that the self needs something.

What are pangs? Well you know there are hunger pangs, thirst pangs, physical comfort pangs, companionship pangs, familiarity pangs, remembrance pangs, and sex pangs.

Whenever there is an unsatisfied pang there is pain.

I suppose in the vernacular sex pangs are referred to as horniness or "wantin' some".

Pain

The longer the pang goes unsatisfied the more the pang pain increases. The design being that the pain increases until the individual is motivated enough to get the pang satisfied and thus eliminate the pain. If this means getting off one's butt and searching for food, or go to the stream and get water, or move into a cave… we are motivated by pain to act to eliminate it. When it comes to the pain of sex pangs, we are motivated to execute sexual courting behaviors that have evolved for our species. Bathing, grooming, shaving, for example. Dinner and a movie for another. Begging for many.

Frustration

When pain is not alleviated the result is frustration. This is a secondary pain heaped upon the primary pain… one might call it the pain of pain. It's not enough to have the pain from the pangs; no, we also have to have frustration dumped on top of it all.

Now, this pain is slightly different because it is not a physically hurting kind of pain, but instead a mental hurt, manifest as extreme mental discomfort. Nonetheless frustration wrecks as much distress to the individual as physical pain.

Frustration usually presents itself after attempts have been made to cease the pain and discovery that you lack the ability to end the pain. So when the pain is at its worst, and there is no relief in the immediate future, that is when you get to have frustration added to you mix.

Reflection: I am very frustrated with the way nature evolved my species.

Futility

You're in pain and you are frustrated. So you now move onto the experience of futility. This is a byproduct of human intellect. We are smart enough to see that with no end in sight for our pain, and frustration that our plight has become futile. Lucky us to be so equipped with such intellect!

In this stage not only do we doubt our prospects, we doubt ourselves, we feel impotent due to our inability to get what we need. In the case of sex pangs, this lead to us feeling unlovable, undesirable, unattractive, ineffectual, ugly, covered in unsightly sores.

We have the urge to give up, because well, nothing absolutely nothing has changed our predicament… and thus we just try to shut down… do a mental cauterization in a last ditch effort to quit the fucking hurting.

Resentment

Look at all you've suffered above leading to this juncture. Now, consider the person that necessitated you suffering all that suffering. Now, that feeling that comes up in your being, before all other feelings… that is what we call resentment. Let's breakdown the word: resentment. Re- meaning "again" and SENTMENT meaning "knowing the culprit". So, resentment means knowing the culprit (for your pain and frustration) again, and again and again.

It's like when you walk into the room, and you see that person that is suppose to be your source of happy good sex but is not, and you are cognizant that it is because of their deficiency that you are living with such misery. Resentment.

Loss

After a period of time (of diminished sexuality in your day to day existence), you will come to realize that you have lost your sex life. Of course as with any loss, you will experience all the five stages of loss: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

If you take no action and accept the acceptance of the loss of your sex life, this might eventually result in you coming to the realization that you have also lost your sensuality, your sexuality, your sexual being, or whatever you want to call it. Symptoms of such a loss will be a lackluster journey through existence, perhaps an associated loss of creativity, general vitality, or even the basic joy of living. Be prepared for a secondary round of the five stages for these losses.

More Resentment (2^nd Round)

The first time through you had pangs and pain and frustration and futility to be resentful of towards the person that just couldn't find it with themselves to have some sex with you… now you can add all this loss to that mix and experience more resentment.

Deceit

Though other philosophers may be deluded and claim otherwise, there is only one true deceit, and that is the deceit of others. Nobody can truly lie to themselves; such is an impossibility.

But we can deceive others, and this happens whenever we don't supply others with 100% disclosure of the truth as we know it. Having to live with a sex drive imbalance almost makes it automatic that deceit is introduced into the relationship. (Now of course there's a good chance that there already was deceit in the relationship, but we won't speak of that right now.)

How in the world could we interact at all with a sex partner who has generally disengaged from sex with us if we didn't employ deceit? Completely truthful interaction with that person would have to consist of us telling them over and over and over again how much pain, frustration and futility they are causing in us, until they acted to alleviate this torment. Well that wouldn't be workable and so we enter into the first deceit by withholding the truth that their asexuality towards us is causing us distress. Voila, deceit is now in the relationship.

Think of this as a gateway deceit… a deceit that can let subsequent deceits seem permissible.

Don't blame yourself for deceits you are caused to create. Remember that the truth is not a right of the other: others have to earn the truth from you. If a person can not be trusted with the truth, or can't cope with the truth, then it's not your fault that they don't get the truth from you.

What does all this mean?

We have traced the path from Unfulfilled Sex Pangs to Frustration and Loss to Resentment, and we have also seen how Deceit is almost automatically introduced into the relationship. Now back to answering the original question, does a libido imbalance lead to a soured relationship?

I would think that resentment would be to a relationship, as bacteria are to milk. As the bacteria multiply the milk becomes sour, the greater the number of bacteria the greater the souring… until at last the milk is spoiled and not fit for consumption. So too it is with a relationship, the more the resentments pile up, the more sour the relationship, until it too reaches a point where it is spoiled.

The only thing that keeps a relationship that has the problem of libido imbalance from spoiling is something that counteracts resentments: keeps them from building. Things like understanding. If one understands what it is that keeps one's spouse from fulfilling one's sexual pangs, and the understanding is mitigating, then that would keep resentments from growing. Perhaps extra-marital distractions might keep resentments from growing. If there is another way that sex pangs are satisfied then resentments might not grow as fast, or not at all. (Of course this can turn around and explode instantly if when such extra-marital outlets are discovered and they are used to vilify the spouse that was merely trying to cope for the sake of the relationship.)

New Sex-Starved book released

2007-12-30T20:20:00.000-05:00

The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire

To be fair and honest, I have not read Michele's latest book. I haven't even read her other books. But at least someone is out there writing on this problem, and that is something.

Holidays for the sexually neglected/rejected.

2007-12-11T12:08:00.000-05:00

It is so hard to be married to a sexually ungiving spouse during the Holidays... because you have to give to someone who is holding back on giving you the precious gift of sexual pleasure....

For those "new" to this plight - sex drive mismatch

2007-12-10T22:13:00.001-05:00

It's not you – it's your spouse who has a problem.

You're not alone – there are others suffering this same plight.

You're not wrong – you have every right to expect a great sex life.

We can make things better by working together.

Feel free to talk to us... we understand, we're going through this too.

This is for the sexless, the near sexless, the no-sex or the low-sex otherwise happily married.

It's Abuse! Marital Abuse!

2007-12-10T21:46:00.000-05:00

Sexual neglect, sexual rejection, they're both marital abuse!...

2007-01-07T11:38:00.000-05:00

Tacky come ons...

I hate lame come ons, like online services that claim to be "free" (like marriedsecrets.com) (or adultfriendfinder.com) but then once you sign up you find out that what is free about these services is completely useless to you, but only helpful for them. There free service allows them to tempt you to spend money with their service, but give you nothing in return. There free service, aloows you to help them by becoming bait for others to spend moeny with their sevice, but gives you nothing in return. And the price that they want for the non-free services, is outragous. Fifty dollars a month.... for internet connectivity... that a frickin joke. I can get internet connectivity for free from AOL, Yahoo, Gmail, MSN.... why should I pay $50 a month for that.

Anyone that want to connect with anyone else can do it through my support groups for FREE... For really free.

Two Years this Month

2006-07-11T19:53:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it... but this month marks two years without sex.... seems as if my wife went from very little to none at all.... two years... sexless and married... and I can't believe it.

What every SWAGE sufferer knows to be true!

2006-02-14T14:17:00.000-05:00

Valentine Truth!

Valentine's

2006-02-13T13:31:00.000-05:00

Well here it is Valentine's Eve and I feel awful about it. I feel physically ill, I love my wife so very much and because of her aversion to sex I have no hope of fully experiencing the wonderfulness of married love. I found a card that say I love you, and I've been doing lot's of things that express my love for her, but alas I fear none of it will move her to passion...

Signs that your spouse isn't into SEX

2006-01-29T20:18:00.000-05:00

Over time, it has come to my attention that there's all sorts of different kinds of sex. Now in my 22 years of marriage I've not known any of these various variations on sex. I think that a good indication that you're married to a low libido or sex averse partner if they've rejected or shown no interest in most of these.

Vacation sex
Make-up sex
Kitchen sex / whole house sex
Car sex
On the sly sex/secret sex
Stealth (silent) sex
Office sex
Restroom sex
Guest room sex/parents house sex
Sex at someone else's house during a party
Mile high sex
Outdoor sex
Hot tub sex
Middle of the night sex
Good morning sex/wake up sex
Departmet store/dressing room sex
Stay in bed for 24 hours and have sex more times than you can count sex

Have I forgotten one (or more) of the classics, let me know.

What is unfaithfulness?

2006-01-23T10:27:00.000-05:00

Ever since Clinton tried to tell the world that he was not having sex with Monica, the rest of us have been trying to figure out just what is unfaithful behavior. (Actually, the question has been being asked for centuries, but that opening sentence just seemed to make this article timely. But maybe I shouldn’t worry about writing a timely piece considering that I could have been happy writing a timeless piece. But I digress.)

We even had milk-toast Regis, being revealed to have been involved in an affair. Hey, but “we did not consider it an offense, because well, we never actually had penis/vagina intercourse”, his revealing paramour said as she told these many years after kissing (kissing most everything on Regis that can be kissed, and him her.) O.K., is that you final answer?

So, there are many individuals out there, who for various reasons are looking for a line in the sand. A line that clearly delineates when someone has crossed it. Why do they want to know? So they can accuse a lover if they had crossed it? So they can know if they themselves have crossed it? So they can know so that they won’t cross it? And what will they do once they have that defining demarcation? Will they pull back to this side of faithfulness? Or will they throw up their arms and decry that there is no way humanly possible for anyone to keep from crossing that line?

Here is the rule: If you consciously engage in a behavior that sexually arouses you or another, other than your married spouse, then you have been unfaithful and or unchaste (unchaste because, well, the unmarried or uncommitted have to have a stake in this too).

Pretty simple rule. Not too hard to follow. Break it and you burn in hell forever… No just kidding, but you have been less than pure of heart, sterling of character, or high of caliber.

Let’s try this rule out.

You are walking along at the beach, and you notice how pretty the women are. Have you strayed? No. Now walk along the beach and you fantasize about how beddable some of the women are, and you’ve gone over the line.

You are in an on-line chat room, and someone asks about whether you enjoy French kissing. You answer yes you do, with your spouse. Have you crossed over the line? No. Now, throw in that you can imagine how good their tongue would feel sliding all around yours and you have crossed the line.

At the store, the woman in front of you bends over unloading her cart. You can’t help but see her right breast and nipple as her neckline reveals her braless state. As soon as you spot the wayward teat you turn you head and avert your gaze. Have you violated any vows? No. But if your pecker turns to wood and you feel that charge of sexual energy, maybe you don’t avert your gaze but you drink in the view…. Opppps, go sit in the penalty box. And if she knew (and I’ve read that a woman would always know) that she was flashing her treasure chest, well then she can go sit in there with you. (Hey are you lucky!)

Now say you wear a cute bathing suit to the beach. O.K. no problem there. But say you wear one that has a bottom of fanny floss and a top that covers barely your areola and nothing more. Guess what, you’re unfaithful if you have a spouse, and unchaste if you don’t.

You’re in bed, sound asleep, and into you dreams the latest hot star walks up to you and proceeds to make you see fireworks. This progresses and your dream turns ‘wet’. Is this a breach? Nope. Not unless you’re in you’re wide awake in bed and you called forth this fantasy on your own, just cause you just wanted to, then it is what they call lusting in your heart. And if you were in the midst of having sex with your spouse while having this vision… well you know you’ve broken the rule.

Looking at nudes painted hundreds of years ago, studying statutes carved by ancient hands; nary a twitch from your sexual parts, then no problem. Just pure chaste appreciation of art. But getting a thrill looking at modern day nudie photographs… well that can’t be called keeping the promise.

The bottom line is this: If the rule is that we are only supposed to get warm fuzzies from one person, our married spouses/mates. Period. The righteous of the world know this, and the rest just deny it, and equivocate it, and rationalize it, and and and…well it just makes me ashamed to be a human, Damn lascivious degenerates!

Needs

2006-01-08T06:34:00.000-05:00

Here's a quote from a female friend of the blog:

LADIES!!! MEN LOVE SEX.. AND MOST OF ALL.. THEY NEED IT!!!! DON'T MARRY ONE IF YOU WILL NOT HAVE SEX OFTEN!!!!

I would add to this and say:

PEOPLE!!! YOUR SPOUSE HAS NEEDS AND DESIRES THAT REQUIRE YOUR INVOLVEMENT. PART OF MARRIAGE IS SEX AND PHYSICAL AFFECTION. DON'T MARRY SOMEONE IF YOU DON'T WANT A PHYSICALLY AFFECTIONATE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE.

To be desired

2006-01-05T09:14:00.000-05:00

The evidence that we are desirable is in the desire that another feels for us. If no one expresses a desire for us, then how are we to feel desirable?

My wife expresses no desire for me, she does not long for my touch, nor does she long to touch me. I read of women who express desires for the men in their lives, and I can't help but wonder, how come I don't have a woman who can't get enough of me.

SWAGE on Marriage Vows

2005-11-22T10:02:00.000-05:00

Marriage is suppose to legitimize sex. Right?

Everyone knows this rule. But what happens when this breaks down??? You promised to be faithful in body to one person, but they are not there faithfully for you. What are you suppose to do?

Fidelity has to be recognized as a two-way street. It's more than a unilateral promise to NOT HAVE sex with others, it's really a bilateral promise to HAVE sex with your partner. But what does one do when one's partner does not share one's drive for sex? Just because your partner is not interested, that does nothing to relieve your need for sex.

The spouse is the only "acceptable" sexual outlet within the marriage contract. (And the marriage contract is the only "acceptable" sexual outlet by society.) That being the case, then by taking on the role of sole sex outlet, this obligates all participants to fulfill their duty when sex is desired.

It has been said that sex is the glue that keeps a marriage together. Many marriages fall apart because the glue is gone.

How can the marriage adapt, so that it might survive?

SWAGE Assumptions

2005-11-22T09:46:00.000-05:00

1) That the sex drive is a natural phenomena. Furthermore: that the sex drive varies from person to person, and that it varies for each person throughout their life. 2) That the sex drive is autonomic in nature. It is not subject to conscious control by the individual. What is subject to control by the individual, is how the sex drive is responded to. 3) Given the first two beliefs, we do not believe anyone should be apologetic for the sex drive that they have, not intolerant to the sex drive that others might have. 4) Life is short; every individual should do what ever they can to optimize their life experience. There is no sense in letting a single moment be wasted. If one is suffering then one must take action to get relief. 5) No one can give up their right to be. A marriage vow is not a surrender of one's individuality; it is instead a commitment of two individuals to the continual partnership in the mutual advancement of each other's life experience. 6) People for the most part do not change; therefore, they should be accepted for what they ARE, not for what they could be, or say they will become. 7) People find a way to do that which they want to do. We all have to prioritize what we do in our lives, therefore, what ever it is that we are doing, must be the thing that prioritized out at the top. 8) Sex is not love, and love is not sex. Even so, the two are intertwined. Every individual should endeavor to know the difference and respond accordingly. 9) Responsibility comes from the word respond. A responsibility is an obligated response to a given situation. Within sexual contacts, one has on obligated response to at all times safeguard one�s partner(s) from harm, specifically STD�s. 10) Within parenting, one has an obligated response to provide for the raising of the child into a happy, well adjusted, self-sufficient adult that will contribute to the fabric of society.

SWAGE wants to combat these major problems:

2005-11-22T08:59:00.000-05:00

1) Mismatched Sexual Expectations 2) Unrequited Lust 3) Sexual Repression 4) Sexual Deprivation 5) Sexual Extortion 6) Sexual Incompatibility 7) Unfulfilled Fantasies 8) Unsafe Alternatives
If this strikes a cord with you, please leave a comment or feel free to join us at:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/swage

SWAGE BELIEVES:

2005-11-22T08:56:00.000-05:00

1) There is a basic human need for affection (love). 2) There is a basic human need for physical affection (sex). 3) It has been said that sex without love is empty, but love without sex can be even worse.If this strikes a cord with you, leave a comment or feel free to join us at:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/swage

James

SWAGE is made up of men and women that:

2005-11-22T08:51:00.000-05:00

1) In love with our spouses - we are soul mated. But we have much
stronger sex drives than our mates, and they therefore do not fulfill
our sexual needs.
2) Even though our suffering can be quite intense, we do not leave our
spouses for others who might better fulfill our sexual needs because:
a) we love our spouses, and don't want to make their lives a hell.
b) we love our children, and don't want to make their lives a hell.
c) we love our extended families, and don't want to make their lives
a hell.
3) Fed up with being sexually frustrated during the day, and
especially fed up with having to go to sleep night after night frustrated.
4) Fed up with being misdiagnosed as sexaholics.
5) Fed up with not being able to talk about or do anything about the
problem.

If this sounds like you, leave a comment or feel free to join us at:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/swage

James

Spouses Who Aren't Getting Enough

2005-03-24T15:02:00.000-05:00

SWAGE is a support organization for individuals in committed relationships that find themselves on the short side of a sex drive imbalance. In other words your spouse is not fulfilling your desire for sex with them. When you're ready and want more sex with them, they're totally uninterested and probably unsympathetic of your desires. They might even have reacted with hostility towards you for wanting intimacy with them. We are fellow sufferers, here to help each other because we know how bad this predicament is. So if you aren't getting enough sex, enough physical affection, enough intimacy - SWAGE is here for you.

SWAGE has existed for sometime. We've had a Yahoo group for a few years and now I thought a blog might help be found by more SWAGE sufferers.