Sunday, January 29, 2006

Signs that your spouse isn't into SEX

Over time, it has come to my attention that there's all sorts of different kinds of sex. Now in my 22 years of marriage I've not known any of these various variations on sex. I think that a good indication that you're married to a low libido or sex averse partner if they've rejected or shown no interest in most of these.

Vacation sex
Make-up sex
Kitchen sex / whole house sex
Car sex
On the sly sex/secret sex
Stealth (silent) sex
Office sex
Restroom sex
Guest room sex/parents house sex
Sex at someone else's house during a party
Mile high sex
Outdoor sex
Hot tub sex
Middle of the night sex
Good morning sex/wake up sex
Departmet store/dressing room sex
Stay in bed for 24 hours and have sex more times than you can count sex

Have I forgotten one (or more) of the classics, let me know.

Monday, January 23, 2006

What is unfaithfulness?

Ever since Clinton tried to tell the world that he was not having sex with Monica, the rest of us have been trying to figure out just what is unfaithful behavior. (Actually, the question has been being asked for centuries, but that opening sentence just seemed to make this article timely. But maybe I shouldn’t worry about writing a timely piece considering that I could have been happy writing a timeless piece. But I digress.)

We even had milk-toast Regis, being revealed to have been involved in an affair. Hey, but “we did not consider it an offense, because well, we never actually had penis/vagina intercourse”, his revealing paramour said as she told these many years after kissing (kissing most everything on Regis that can be kissed, and him her.) O.K., is that you final answer?

So, there are many individuals out there, who for various reasons are looking for a line in the sand. A line that clearly delineates when someone has crossed it. Why do they want to know? So they can accuse a lover if they had crossed it? So they can know if they themselves have crossed it? So they can know so that they won’t cross it? And what will they do once they have that defining demarcation? Will they pull back to this side of faithfulness? Or will they throw up their arms and decry that there is no way humanly possible for anyone to keep from crossing that line?

Here is the rule: If you consciously engage in a behavior that sexually arouses you or another, other than your married spouse, then you have been unfaithful and or unchaste (unchaste because, well, the unmarried or uncommitted have to have a stake in this too).

Pretty simple rule. Not too hard to follow. Break it and you burn in hell forever… No just kidding, but you have been less than pure of heart, sterling of character, or high of caliber.

Let’s try this rule out.

You are walking along at the beach, and you notice how pretty the women are. Have you strayed? No. Now walk along the beach and you fantasize about how beddable some of the women are, and you’ve gone over the line.

You are in an on-line chat room, and someone asks about whether you enjoy French kissing. You answer yes you do, with your spouse. Have you crossed over the line? No. Now, throw in that you can imagine how good their tongue would feel sliding all around yours and you have crossed the line.

At the store, the woman in front of you bends over unloading her cart. You can’t help but see her right breast and nipple as her neckline reveals her braless state. As soon as you spot the wayward teat you turn you head and avert your gaze. Have you violated any vows? No. But if your pecker turns to wood and you feel that charge of sexual energy, maybe you don’t avert your gaze but you drink in the view…. Opppps, go sit in the penalty box. And if she knew (and I’ve read that a woman would always know) that she was flashing her treasure chest, well then she can go sit in there with you. (Hey are you lucky!)

Now say you wear a cute bathing suit to the beach. O.K. no problem there. But say you wear one that has a bottom of fanny floss and a top that covers barely your areola and nothing more. Guess what, you’re unfaithful if you have a spouse, and unchaste if you don’t.

You’re in bed, sound asleep, and into you dreams the latest hot star walks up to you and proceeds to make you see fireworks. This progresses and your dream turns ‘wet’. Is this a breach? Nope. Not unless you’re in you’re wide awake in bed and you called forth this fantasy on your own, just cause you just wanted to, then it is what they call lusting in your heart. And if you were in the midst of having sex with your spouse while having this vision… well you know you’ve broken the rule.

Looking at nudes painted hundreds of years ago, studying statutes carved by ancient hands; nary a twitch from your sexual parts, then no problem. Just pure chaste appreciation of art. But getting a thrill looking at modern day nudie photographs… well that can’t be called keeping the promise.

The bottom line is this: If the rule is that we are only supposed to get warm fuzzies from one person, our married spouses/mates. Period. The righteous of the world know this, and the rest just deny it, and equivocate it, and rationalize it, and and and…well it just makes me ashamed to be a human, Damn lascivious degenerates!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Needs

Here's a quote from a female friend of the blog:

LADIES!!! MEN LOVE SEX.. AND MOST OF ALL.. THEY NEED IT!!!! DON'T MARRY ONE IF YOU WILL NOT HAVE SEX OFTEN!!!!

I would add to this and say:

PEOPLE!!! YOUR SPOUSE HAS NEEDS AND DESIRES THAT REQUIRE YOUR INVOLVEMENT. PART OF MARRIAGE IS SEX AND PHYSICAL AFFECTION. DON'T MARRY SOMEONE IF YOU DON'T WANT A PHYSICALLY AFFECTIONATE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

To be desired

The evidence that we are desirable is in the desire that another feels for us. If no one expresses a desire for us, then how are we to feel desirable?

My wife expresses no desire for me, she does not long for my touch, nor does she long to touch me. I read of women who express desires for the men in their lives, and I can't help but wonder, how come I don't have a woman who can't get enough of me.